Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
