I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
