Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
