she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
