Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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