Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
