Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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