awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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