Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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