NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
