Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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