I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
