i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
