my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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