I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
