I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
