she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
