i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
