You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
