If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
