omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
