Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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