I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
