party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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