there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dignity is for republicans.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
