He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
