the new term for farting is butt boxing.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
