My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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