Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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