I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
