go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
