I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
