the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
