Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
