the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
