When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
