Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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