I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
