She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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