I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
