4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
