Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
