I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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