i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
