She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
