Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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