i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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