This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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