I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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