i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
